I am really struggling with the fact that I think I have finally given up on believing there is a God.
I just can’t possibly understand the purpose of my housebound life. A life where my spine requires I eat my meals laying down, a life without the ability to have children (whether adopted or my own), unable to drive, go to the movies, grocery shop, and a long list of other “normal” every day activities. Add to that days when I am unable to shower, make a simple meal for myself and walk from my bedroom to the kitchen. Deriving some purpose or point to my disabling chronic pain seems impossible. I ask “why would God allow this”? Why should anyone have to feel like EVERY day is a major struggle? Why should anyone live with this little quality of life?
For the first few years of dealing with chronic pain I held onto my faith despite losing the ability to fly, jog, garden and work full-time. I grieved the losses but pushed forward, striving to be grateful for what I still could do and believing God had a plan for me. Over the past three years as the level of my disability significantly increased, my faith in God was often the only thing that kept me going. I would pray and tell myself I was not alone; that I always had God. I even had people trained in faith healing come and pray with me as I lay flat in my bed week after week. I longed to believe their words telling me that God is real, God is good and always with me. However, as my physical disabilities continued to decrease so did my level of faith in God. Now today as I lay here living a primarily horizontal life barely managing to do the basics of self-care each day, I realize that I have come to a place where I no longer believe in God.
I am saddened by the fact that I have lost my faith. I stare at my “Believe” sign hanging in the living room and wish I still could.
I use affirmations, on a daily basis, to deal with my pain. I seriously couldn’t function without them. In a pain flare-up they prevent me from entering a spiral of negative thoughts that in the past led to depression and even suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I only have to repeat the affirmations a couple of times, while other times I have to read them over and over throughout the day. They have helped me make it through another moment, another hour, another day. I even keep a copy typed up on my IPhone in my notepad app. I can’t tell you how many times I have reached for my phone and read through them forcing myself to try and believe what they are telling me. Affirmations make you focus, make you stay positive and ground you in reality. Otherwise our mind can get taken over by pain demons that are determined to rob one of hope, peace and will.
I hope you will find these affirmations helpful. Feel free to edit them or even just use them as inspiration to make your own. That is the thing, affirmations have to mean something to you, they have to be tailored to your situation. Only you know the messages that you need to hear when you are faced with a bout of pain. Following are the messages I repeat:
- I am aware I have pain but I observe it with detachment.
- This flare-up will pass…it always does.
- I breathe calm and relaxation into the pain.
- I only focus on the here and now. I am not going to worry about how long the flare-up will last.
- I am handling this flare-up calmly and positively.
- I am patiently handling this flare-up.
- I am grateful for the few things I can do despite the flare-up.
- During this flare-up I focus on taking one moment at a time.
- I will make it through this flare-up. The pain will subside. My mobility will increase.
August 29, 2013
I have wanted to add a blog portion to my website for the past few years but each time I considered it, I believed that unless I was going to share a positive outlook on dealing with pain and disability, I should not write one. I knew that it would be impossible for me to put forward a rosy outlook so I did not write a blog post until now. Today, however, I am giving myself the freedom to start writing a blog that is a raw and truthful sharing of how I struggle to deal with my pain.
Don’t get me wrong, I try and be positive but I truly have been longing for a place to share my inner suffering, my struggles and my frustration with the limitations this disability puts on my life.
I have shared these feelings repeatedly with my very supportive friends and family, but how many times can I burden them with my recurring feelings of loss, depression, anger and sadness. These feelings that continue to ebb and flow but are always there on a daily basis.
Even as I write this post I imagine people reading this and thinking, “she really needs to accept her situation and move on”. The fact is I have been trying to move forward for years and I have made only small progress in doing so. I find it progressively harder as my level of disability continues to increase.
In the last few days as I have been laying here, bedridden due to my pain, I decided maybe it is time I try and see if blogging is one way of helping me move forward. Perhaps it will be the avenue that allows me to let go of the burdensome feelings I carry around with me. In fact, I already feel lighter as I come to the close of this, my first, post.