Don't Give Up

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am stuck in bed yet again. Unable to feed myself. Unable to move. The sun beats outside my window. I hear people laughing as they walk by my condo building. I imagine all the things “normal” people are doing on this summer day…working, driving, exercising, playing, walking, dining out on patios, etc. All things I cannot do. No, I am a prisoner in my body listening and watching the world pass by.

Oh how the hours drag. I listen to CBC radio and try to distract myself. I learn about the ceasefire in Gaza. Oh if only the pain in my body could have a ceasefire. I go on to Instagram only to see that my photo group’s topic for the day is “reflection” and realize that I can’t go anywhere to take a picture of a reflection and I sure wouldn’t want to take a photo of my reflection right now. I haven’t showered for two days. The pain I am in is clearly visible on my face. The fact that I didn’t sleep last night is evident with the dark circles under my eyes.

I go on Netflix and try to lose myself in the TV Series “The Killing”. Although the lead character is experiencing deep emotional pain I tell her I would trade my life for hers in a second. She can walk, sit and stand. She can leave the confines of her four walls.

The series ends and I stare out my bedroom window at the flowers wilting on my patio garden. I haven’t been able to water them for two days and in this extreme heat they are wilting as much as I am from the pain.

Is this a poem, a pity party, an essay or a journal entry? I don’t know. All I know is that I have to let it out. I have to share my experiences. I will risk the judgment, the embarrassment, whatever may be the result. I guess I am reaching out…hoping somebody somewhere will read this and understand the isolation and loneliness disability and chronic pain/illness create.

13 Comments on A summer day with disabling chronic pain

    • Yes, the picture fits with what I wrote perfectly. Thank you for sharing it with me as it made me feel a little less alone. Thank you for your encouragement as well. xo

  1. Yes, hard to see through the darkness when the pain goes to extremes. You are right my heart and soul aches to understand why. But again your words and those of others keep me looking through the darkness. xo

  2. I have suffered from chronic pain for 15 years and I was and sometimes like you when I have a flare ups. I run a chronic pain support group for the ACPA. American chronic pain association. I have 2 people in my group that cannot come out so I talk to them by phone. If you would like to talk or if there is anything I can do feel free to email me goalgirl47@hotmail.com. God bless you

    • Thank you so much for your kindness and your offer. I truly appreciate it and I may take you up on your offer. I need someone outside of my family and friends to talk to sometimes about these things. Thanks again.

      • I am on disability so you can call me anytime to talk. My number is 904-537-7130. Please feel free to take me up on my offer and if there is anything I can give you let me know ok. You are in my prayers

  3. Daisy…

    Thanks for stopping by and following my blog… so sorry to hear that you’re pain is so bad right now… I know where you’re coming from… been there too many times myself… and hearing life going on just outside the window… especially happy lives going on…

    Excuse me, waiter… can I get some more salt, please? Yep, that’s right… rub it in… yep, right in the wounds… right there… yep, the open ones…

    I distinctly recall posting one day to no one in particular…

    Well, will you look at that… I never noticed before but through my front window, Hell looks just like my front yard…

    It REALLY sucks when things get bad… I don’t have anything helpful to add here… just saying’… I’ve been wandering around in a dark and gloomy place myself as of late… good fodder for my own blog… if I could just work up the energy to type it…

    But, I guess we’ve all gotta pull together or find some strength to lend… or beg, borrow, or steal… I just wanted to let you know there’s another voice out floating in the wilderness who heard you and just wanted to say, “Hey.”

    Thanks for reminding me that it does help to write it down and get it “out there”… I’ll have to work on my own ‘next great post’… just remember that you’re not alone with that “being alone” thing… lot’s of us ‘a-loners’ out here… the pain sucks… the depression sucks… they’ll suck the life right out of you… but when all else fails, give a yell… send up a flare… post a quick ‘help’… I’ll yell or flare or post back… promise.

    See you around the web…

    Peace,
    Dave

    • Thanks Dave for understanding where I was coming from when I wrote this post. For some reason, it feels so nice to connect with strangers and receive their support. My friends and family are wonderful but they don’t truly understand.

      BTW I love the quote on your blog header. I have never heard that one before and I will have to share it 🙂

      Thanks again,
      Daisy

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